Texas Cowboy

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders 

three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of

each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders 

three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat 

after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers One is in Arizona , 

the other is in Colorado . 

When we all left our home in Texas , we promised

that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm 

drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He 

orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice 

and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the

bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to 

offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes 

and he laughs.  "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just 

that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

My Inconclusive Travel Plans

My inconclusive travel plans for 2016:

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.  I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.

So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty good in mine!

A new cell phone ...

An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears.  I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet.    Please advise."

Pregnant at 71

A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.


After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.

"What the hell is the matter with you" the older doctor demanded.

Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"

The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said,

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

Men in Heaven

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines:

One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."

God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

How to peel apples!

So you thought you knew how to peel an apple?

Hellmann's Mayonnaise

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's Mayonnaise was manufactured in England.

In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss.

Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5 and is known, of course, as

 - Sinko De Mayo.